“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”
Do you ever have days like that? Where you feel like just about everything is going wrong? Welcome to the last last 12 months of my life!
A couple of months ago I stopped hearing what people say. As in, I couldn't understand them anymore. I kept watching their mouths, trying listen, asking people to repeat themselves but it all just sounded like a foreign language to me. I can understand basic conversations but everything else seems to be beyond my understanding these days. If you're talking to me, don't be surprised if I ask you to repeat yourself or if I get a blank look on my face.
I also started missing hour long stretches of my day. Just the other day I missed probably 30 miles of my drive. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. I don't remember the last 30 miles I drove. And guess what? I ended up driving 16 miles South of where I wanted to be! 16 MILES! And I had no idea how I got there. And I wasn't really even sure where I was. I didn't know I'd gone too far, I almost thought I hadn't gone far enough!
Obviously I don't know how to cope with stress. Sure I've tried meditation and exercise and all that good stuff. And maybe they work temporarily. I mean, while I'm sitting there meditating I feel just fine. But as soon as I'm done I'm back to losing my mind again.
I'm really trying to keep it all together. I get up and bathe, dress and feed Jacob. I read to him and try to play with him. But really I'm just in survival mode. I take care of Jacob, I do the things I HAVE to do (Babysitting, occasionally taking out the trash or doing some dishes, going to church, etc.) but everything else is pretty much slipping by undone. My life is falling apart.
I don't ever remember being happy for a sustained period of time in my life. I'm used to stress. I'm used to being poor. I'm used to not having friends. I'm used to not having things go my way. But honestly, this last year has just been the tipping point. I know Heavenly Father won't give us more than we can handle but it feels like he is definitely pushing me closer and closer to the edge, and sometimes I feel like voluntarily stepping over it!
I know that only a few people read this blog, so really this is just venting for myself. But it would be really awesome if people actually cared. I hate facebook sometimes. It's like friends (and even family) are within my grasp, but then they step just far enough away that I can't quite reach them. Would you believe that my only socialization involve visiting teachers once a month and talking to my sister-in-law when she drops off the baby? Yep, that's my entire social life. Unless you count talking to the grocery store clerk. Somehow I don't count that.
Don't get me wrong though. I AM grateful for what is right in my life. Even though we don't have much money, we still end up with all the things we need. Even though people are really sick in our family they are still alive and have a chance to recover. Even though bad and ridiculous things happened to us this spring, we somehow by some miracle got out of the worst of it, even if it did cost us dearly. There have been many tender mercies and blessings. The little things in life do add up to something good. So I'm clinging to the tiny, tiny ray of hope I have left. I only have this one little bit left to sustain me before I go off the deep end for good. If you hear that I am in a mental hospital somewhere don't be too surprised.